A couple of years ago, I overheard a conversation between a group of boys at the student bar. They were, as young men are prone to do in packs, discussing women – specifically, the various reasons why they’d dumped their exes.

Some of these reasons were very silly indeed.

What struck me the most, though, was how these chaps wore their shallowness as a badge of honour. There was a magisterial quality to their tales of broken romance, as though the act of ending a relationship on the flimsiest of grounds communicated a deep and discerning authority about life, women, and the ways of the world.

These young men were evidently deeply flawed, but also pitiful, in a strange sort of way. It was obvious that none would ever be truly happy. Instead, they doomed themselves with every cruel judgement, and hurt many people along the way.  

What follows is not an exact transcript; I’ve taken a fair bit of poetic license with names, events (and, to be honest, facts), but what remains, I hope, is a fitting tribute to the women these men rejected (all of whom are, we must imagine, absolutely kicking themselves to this day).

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The List

Clare was the one with the blue-as-night eyes;
Loved her religion, did charity drives.
But she snored like a bunged-up gorilla,
And that’s a trait, boys, that I just despise.

Kitty the totty I met at the beach;
Practical gal – wasn’t wearing a stitch!
Shame that she was just a little. Bit. Short:
It looked bad in photos, having to crouch.

‘Manda was easy – with stunning behind.
She could drink an’ all, ’til kicking-out time.
Except she bloody loved garlic as well.
Long story short, that’s why she joins the line.

Sarah’s voice on the phone warmed me right through.
I think that she was my first ginger too.
She had kids though! Shocked the hell outa me!
I ran while she breast-fed Daniel, aged two.

Brooke was the only one who made me laugh.
Stayed to look after me when I felt rough.
But lads, then she went and used the ‘L’ word!
Besides, her nose was too close to her mouth.

It’s a fact, lads: You don’t meet guys like us
Every day. But have patience, yeah? Because
Women just don’t have a clue what they want.
Lucky we’re all level-headed, eh boys?